a new home. [15 Jul 2004|04:57am] Dear You, I'm moving away, and getting tired of all the drama. So, I'll just make a new journal for the better, so you wouldnt be so hurt anymore. Goodbye. Kana p/s/ who ever wants to know my LJ, just leave me comments and I'll tell you where. 7 comments|post comment

Is there? [01 May 2004|12:25pm] Dear You, let me ask you one more...again. Is there will be any chance that you'll give this up? Giving me up for anything? I need to know... Kana post comment

Ah [01 May 2004|01:26am] Dear you, for the very first time in our relationship, I've finally felt this jealous. I don't know why but I just do, and I want to die. I didn't mean to...I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to be all mine, just all mine. I don't know what else to say... but I'm so sorry for loving you this much. Kana 2 comments|post comment

Dreaming of you tonight [30 Apr 2004|05:58pm] Dear You, Do you ever realise how much I miss you? I was crying last night, and knowing how bad I want you...sometimes I wonder if you ever know it? Feel it? Care about it? Do you ever want me at all? How bad? Please tell me so. Because up to now, I'm still crying. And I love you. Kana post comment

The man who knows how to say this.. ."i love you" [27 Apr 2004|04:28am] I wrote this in a couple of days ago..so don't mind my mood, I'm all happy and wanted to post this stupid letter here. "Dear You Tonight is different, tonight I'm HIGH, not drunk, and I'm feeling so EMOITONAL by you. I know. I wish I could call you. It's not always like this, but right now I miss you, all night I've missed you, all night so sorry that that this is happening. And there really is nothing to say... But, anyway...how are you? How's your life treating you? I hope you're really happy and that things are beautiful for you. I can't tell because I can't ask you if you already have someone else. I can't call you because maybe you've already found someone else that you like pretty well now. God knows I've been looking. Oh honey, I am so tired of talking to boring people. I just want to talk to you, about anything, anyone. I go out and get impossibility fucked up every night because how the fuck else can I deal with this emptiness, the hole where you are suppose to be? Why can't you just love me? Show me? Fuck, I dont know. Kana" post comment

Oh you, yes you. [27 Apr 2004|04:12am] [ mood | excited ] Dear You, Oh gosh! I couldn't stop giggling, and smiling! We had so much fun when we were together! And...maybe we will again someday soon. Remember the jokes, songs we sing, the way we dance, and remember how I gave you a kiss on a cheek when you cried? I kissed your tears away, and pulled you up to dance with me. Danced away then spinned around until we laughed like crazy. I remember seeing you crying and laughin at the same time. Now, I'm all smiling and I can't help it but I miss those times. I miss you darling. Kana post comment

Mikeygoat [27 Apr 2004|01:01am] [ mood | blah ] Dear Goat, Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are? So sexy? Nah, I'm not talking about your physical looks but the way you are..you make me in awe, you make me laugh all the time when you're in a very good mood, and you're SO innocent and SO naughty in all together. You made me feel like I could really do the craziest shit for you, but at the same time I'm always trying to keep in control of myself, and in everything because we just met like, its' going on 2 months now, we met 2 months ago. We barely know anything about each other, especially myself to you, I don't know A LOT about you, and ....I want to! Eh, I guess you can all it..crazy in love. ah.. I just want to say I'm really sorry. Some of things, I should have never said that to you because now I'm making you to feel the pressure, and I shouldn't have because I'm not even worth it. I'm not even that great person. I just want to say, lets leave it natural, be yourself, and I'll just keep everything to myself, or write everything into this journal. You can always read it here if you want to know the deep inside of me. My secrets. I'm sorry. Kana post comment

That letter you wrote... [26 Apr 2004|03:27pm] [ mood | scared ] Dear You, Sometimes when I read your letters/poetry/entries -whatever you called it, I can't help it but I wondered are they for me? Or are they for your ex? Or are they for the new girl? Sometimes, I'd just tilt my head down, and let the tears flow down on my cheeks. Why? Because I love you... Because I don't see my name in any of your love letters... Because you didn't talk to my brother about us... Because you've never straighten out with this friend of yours... Because you couldn't stay with me and make me smile... Because I sent you an email and I received this "This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification. Delivery to the following recipients failed." which means I can't contact you anymore. Please don't hurt me, because I'm having so much insecurties in me. I'm too fragile right now. Can't you see I'm so torn apart inside? I'm bleeding? And crying? Please tell me that you love me, just once more. tell me. Kana post comment

So typical! [26 Apr 2004|12:33am] Dear Derek, I need you so much. God...I need you. I'm all crying so bad here, and I was hoping to have this new dude to cheer me up and care about me enough tonight but he'd rather to go off to bed because he has a "busy day" tomorrow. Yeah, that tells me something. You're right. So right. Maybe it's not his place to help me, but there are other things he's so good at like making me laugh in good day but when it comes to bad days, he always run away. I hate it when he does that. I'm so sorry, and I should just stay off for awhile. Kana post comment

Just Perfect [25 Apr 2004|04:49pm] Dear You, I wanted to say something...but my heart wont let me...because you're just perfect and...i cant find perfect words to fit you. and you make me wanna scream out the world and say your name but then it's not enough yet I know what words that would make you smile. here's 3 words and I mean it. I love you. Kana post comment

Ahhh [23 Apr 2004|04:48pm] Dear You, I'm so surprised to receive your letter today, and I've been up all night just because of that. I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I cried when you wrote few words - "I want you back". Do you know how much that hurts? We used to love sitting in your car and talk all night about this and that. We used to sit on the big comfy couch, and watch korean movies, and sometimes we would watch the most boring movies ever but we always end up laughing, making fun of movies, actors, and ourselves. Why did you called me today? How did you find my mom's phone numbers? My mom's home address? Did you know that scared the hell out of me? It's been awhile now. Two months & half of no talking to each other, and it's like..how am I suppose to know what to say, and ... Sigh..and now you're telling me that you'll wait at the bus depot to pick me up. I'm kinda scared to see you again, and I don't know what I'm suppose to react, or what to say, and...what do you really want from me? Do you realise I'm starting to hate men so much now? All they do is break every woman's heart, and not caring at all. Look at me, I'm not even typing right, my english sucks right now, and...and its because of you. You're making me so nervous as hell, and do you know what I need? a fucking morphine. and vodka. but I can't have them because I know I promise you that I wouldn't, and I don't break my promises. God... ....I'm feeling so lost right now. Kana post comment

Craig [18 Apr 2004|04:47pm] Dear Craig, I hope you're happy now. You've made me cried, and now I'm full with bruises because of your harsh words. I hope you're happy now. I hope you're happy that those kids, who are happened to be my little brother and sister, believes you're the greatest "father" but really, you'te the worst cold-hearted man. But what do you want me to say? Sorry? I've said I'm sorry like a million times and what more do you want? God, I hate you! I fucking hate you! Kana post comment

The world fuck it [18 Apr 2004|04:46pm] Dear You, I wish there's somebody who could define who I am. Who am I, really? And...why do you love me anyway? Kana post comment

Mikeybear [17 Apr 2004|09:46pm] Bear, I just feel like to write something for you today. Well, I'll just start with telling you how am I today - I'm okay, really. Ok, I'm not okay but it's okay. Really. I just wanted to say thank you for your sweetness, your caring, and the way you love me. Thank you for accepting me to be your sis, and for me to love you like a brother. I was thinking this morning about how lucky I am to have you as a brother - a best friend. I don't know what else to say but thank you. Okay, I've said "thank you" too much on here. I'm sorry. Haha. I promise I won't write you a long letter, I know how you hate to read a long letter. Last night, I was realizing that about the job you did -YES! I'm still in awe. It's just CRAZY! You know? I mean, it's you! Who did that kind of job that I was suppose to do long time ago but I never did it. And you did it, even when you're so SHY like me. Yeah, we're twins. Hah! Anyway, enough about that one, I gotta to forget that. Most of all, I'm really really really so happy that you're in my life because I have no one else to go to when I'm so down. And I even gave you my password, and I never did that before, and...I don't know what the hell I'm doing but it's only because I trust you ? Sorry. Well anyway, let me say thank you one more time. Thank you for teaching me to be reasonable, fair, tough, careful, strong, responsible, and NUMB! It's been 5 months from now, can you believe it? It feels like I've known you in all my life except about your jobs! OH BOY OH BOY! -ok, I'll shut up now. -All I know is, I can't imagine my life without you in it now. Sound insane eh? Yea, I'm just a insane sister. I'm sorry you got me hah. Your sis, Kana post comment

Kennyboy [17 Apr 2004|07:44pm] Dear Kennyboy, My gosh, I'm ccrying so bad right now. I wish you're here to hold me and I'm wearing your sleeves shirt Kenny, and god I miss you so much. I have this little picture of you when you were 10 years old, and I can even smell you. You smell just like Robert. Everytime I visit Robert, I'd just make him sit beside me and I could just be in his arms and close my eyes, and pretend its you whos hugging me just like when we were little. You used to hug me a lot, and telling me that I was a cool kid and you gave me a daisy and telling me daisy means happy. I want to be happy. God, why can't I just stop crying for pete's sake! It's been 2 years without you, but the fact is, I haven't seen you for ages! like...10 years? I don't know, I can't remember anymore but your face, your grins, and your laughter when you used to love to tease me. God..just like Mikeybear. He teases me all the time, and everytime when I look at him on webcam, I see a brother that I can love forver, and he, somehow, reminds me of you. I know you both are so different Kenny, but I miss you so much and I can't get you out of my head? Haha, it's quite funny today because I have this friend who already cutted herself, and do you know what? I was about to do the same thing, especially just be in the cold water in bathtub until all my body gets numb then let myself bleed to die. How ironic I talked to a new friend yesterday, and I told her that she's so strong, and she thinks I'm strong too and I agreed wif her. God, I'm so sorry, I'm fucking sorry for this. For being so weak. The more I think about you, the more I forget about all others but pains and why didn't I do it? I mean WHY didn't I just fucking cut myself to death but I couldn't! I still couldn't do it, and I think I know why. It's because of love. Mikeybear's love, Mikeygoat's love, My little family's love, even Derek's and 2 girls -Allison and Brenda. Their loves reminds me theres a little hope to live for. Abd the promises I made but it's soo hard! Did you ever miss me Kenny? I guess this is something I'll never know for the rest of my life but at least I know you're my brother, and I'm missing you, and it seems you always love to visit me in my dreams. sigh...ahh, I need...I better wash my face before my mom comes downstair now. I miss you Kennyboy & I promise to try not to think about sad things so much and be happy. I love you Kana post comment

Mommeh [17 Apr 2004|05:44pm] Dear Mommey, While Carolyn was talking to me, I ended up looking up at ceiling, and I noticed the water stained, broken light bulb, cracked lines out of nowhere and there's a blood on it, dripping down on my face now, or was it my imagination? I see our front door is not closing tight, and there's insect coming through our door. Our broken cracked stairs that needs to be fixed, especially our dirty bathtub, and I had to take a freezing cold water to clean myself. Mommey, why do we have to live this kind of life? Why do I always see you crying every night while you smoke your cigerette and eating a balonie sandwich? I can even see your blood drippin out of your nosestril. Mommey, why do you let daddy beat you with harsh words? How is this going to make everything all better? What about those precious kittens? Why do you let daddy beating them just because they were meowing so loud? What if you're pregnant, how is daddy going to treat his child? Like the way he treated kittens? Kicking them, and threw them against the wall? Just like my real daddy threw me out of the window? Mommey please tell me when will this bleeding from inside me stop? When will my stomach pain stop? When will this bleeding out of my nose stop? When will my dry broken bruise skins will go away? Mommey, I can't even have kids, and do you think there will be a guy that could possibly love me to death just as much as I love him so? Or will I end up marrying to a abusive husband? Mommey, god, make it stop! Just stop this fucking crap. Because I love you so much, I rather to take all the beating from anyone to protect you and die for you mommey, coz you deserve a better life, a better a man, a better love. God..I'm dying..already Kana post comment

Whoa? [17 Apr 2004|04:43pm] Dear the man who knows all about me, How could you do that? Showing me to your friends on CAM, and making me so blushing by telling them that I'm like a goddess? Why do you have to tell all your friends about me? Even your exes, even your old friends? Your high school mates? Even your teachers?!? Whoa! It's like the whole world knows about me now, and I gotta hide! Ahhh I just wish....awww why did you do that? Is that what you called it.. "Candy, you're going to be famous one day, you just wait and see!" And now even in another country knows about me just because of you? Even now, everyone in churches in BC, FLA, and California knows my name. ohmygosh. What is it with you? If I want to be a famous, I'll just write a book. Sigh. Kana post comment

GRRR! [16 Apr 2004|09:42pm] Dear You, I only wish you could be more sensitive and ARGH. I'm dying inside! jaldjfa;gja;kejfa ....I'll just shut up. Kana post comment

I'm so empty inside [16 Apr 2004|04:41pm] Dear You, Why can't you just get over it? You're not the one. We're just living in a lie, deceit, & you don't have any idea how I feel every time I'm with you - a trapped is what I feel when I'm with you, I couldn't breathe, I can't stand you and we always played a game of charades for the public seeing us as "one" but I didn't want or need you! The love only came from one, I fed you line after line of words I didn't mean them. This reluctantly is telling my thoughts that you're listening through tears, and gosh you knew we weren't meant to be! It was just controlled by society, & you were thinking only of yourself! Now I gotta think of me, and it's only because I can't love you and I don't love you at all. You cried when I spoke of saying goodbye, the tears of yours are all an act but I knew you felt the same way. True love is what we always lacked. Don't you get it? Can you just go away please?? Kana post comment

Just Love I want [14 Apr 2004|04:41pm] Dear You, Oh! I miss you, I miss you, & I miss you so much. I want you to hold me so much tight. When the time allows, and we can always be talking to each other for how long we want to, I'll hold on to that as if it was my last time. I cherish oh so much of what we have right now. I miss you so much, I wanna run away with you SO far away so no more hurt would taint us. But that is just a imagination and fantasy of mine. Pretty stupid huh? But it helps to fantasize sometimes to dull the hurt of things I experience. Sigh, darling I miss talking to you again -oh so much, I'm so hungry for you, and my love I want you only and want nothing more than to be in your arms until you kiss my pains away. I love you. Kana post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]